


Ginseng

by SilverServerError



Category: CLAMP - Works, Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: M/M, Yama Country
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 15:00:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12301614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverServerError/pseuds/SilverServerError
Summary: Promises mean nothing, if the answers are pretend.





	1. Chapter 1

Shouts from every direction. Sweat and the smell of something delicious. Firelight and strange stars. But the only thing that felt real was the firm, familiar grip on his wrist.

It was like moving through a fog, barely noticing the controlled chaos of camp. Barely caring as some ranking soldier chastised them, only to have kurogane bite back and storm off, dragging him behind.

They’d made it all the way to their tent and all Fai could see was corpses.

Kurogane moved around him as Fai sat motionless on his cot, lighting a fire, busying himself with their water ration. Fai saw the whole thing and was still surprised when a mug of tea was gently pushed into his hands.

The faces out there… they hadn't all been new. And they hadn't all been real. Some were snow covered. Some were frozen.

Kurogane sat down beside him, silent companionship. He was dirty. He smelled of battle. They both did.

For a moment it was enough to break Fai free, and he choked as his voice caught. He felt the tears coming and then they just…didn't.

Kurogane glanced at him and murmured something soft. All Fai could do was look up at him in hopeless incomprehension.

“I'm such an idiot,” Fai whispered to him, eyes watering, before blinking back tears and looking to one of the dark corners of their tent. Then a laugh escaped him, brittle and broken. “How many times am I going to fall for thinking this is real?”

Because Fai had seen reality. Had scarred his fingertips trying to climb out of it. Had seen the carnage of it staining the stone walls and floors of his home. It was always going to find him again, bright smiles and innocent children aside.

He shuddered as he saw the faces from battle once more, shocked and lifeless, littering the ground in every direction.

So many close calls. So many arrows and blades that would have killed him if not for-

He looked up suddenly, and Kurogane flinched, but did not look away.

“Thank you,” Fai whispered desperately. Kurogane didn't understand, but after a moment of frustration, looked at the tea and murmured a soft command.

Fai glanced down at it, hands adjusting to hold the warm cup a little tighter. His throat was much too tight to swallow, but the fragrance felt like a tiny bond, a tiny anchor point to their tent, to the present. He shook and at last a sob escaped him.

A hand pressed to the back of his neck, warm, callused and supportive, and Fai fell against Kurogane’s chest as his face twisted in grief.

Fai was only half aware as the tea was once more taken from his grip and strong hands pulled him closer. Kurogane’s chin rested on the top of his head, and he cried, fighting to stay silent against his chest.

It didn't take long. The knot in his stomach pulled tight, and the parts shaken loose were once more painful but safe inside of him. He sighed, bruised and sore as he suddenly felt every strain and impact from the battle.

Much more time passed like this, with Fai’s slow breathing and the tiny movements of Kurogane’s thumb on his back. Fai could feel his face still hot with the tears, but ever so slowly returning to normal.

Eventually Kurogane’s chest expanded as he took a deep, slow breath, and murmured something soft into the hair just above Fai’s ear.

Fai pulled away, a little embarrassed, a little weary. He didn't know what Kurogane had said, but anything that tender couldn't possibly belong to him. He rested his head against Kurogane’s shoulder, watching the shifting of his throat and the grime of his skin.

Fai could feel it. Kurogane’s want for something more. The restrained need in his posture. But Kurogane didn't act, so Fai didn't pull away. It was longer still that they embraced like this, Fai slowly adjusting to the present. Feeling Kurogane’s strength. Focusing on the soft firelight filtering through their tent. Finding the tiny thread of the aroma of tea in the midst of so much sweat and blood and fire.

“Kuro…”

There was a soft hum in response.

Fai sighed, fingers starting to fidget on a seam in Kurogane’s armor. “Have you ever killed anyone?” He whispered, finally looking up at his face.

Kurogane stared back at him hard, and Fai couldn't help but smile a little bittersweetly. He was smart. So smart. But naive. And right now just as helpless to understand as Fai was. He could see the frustration mounting in those crimson eyes so dark they looked black.

“You look like you have,” Fai went on softly, hand coming up to toy with Kurogane’s collar, gaze following. “But then when you had the chance, you didn't.” Fai blinked back up at his neck, at his jaw. “Why is that?”

Kurogane said nothing. Fai hadn't been expecting a response.

“I have,” Fai whispered, arms wrapping around Kurogane’s shoulder for comfort. “I’ve killed so many people.”

Kurogane hugged back tighter, murmuring something low and earnest.

Fai’s gaze fell unfocused on the blank wall of their tent, shadows of tired soldiers passing every so often. With lips against rough fabric, he whispered, “It was my fault but…” Fai held him tighter, arms and thighs and chest aching for the solid, living warmth of him. “But it's never felt like this.” His fingers clutched softly into the back of Kurogane’s shirt. “It's never been my arrow. It's never been my hands.”

Kurogane made a noise, trying to pull Fai away gently. At first Fai resisted, but Kurogane was too strong.

He murmured something to him, eyes clear and earnest, and Fai frowned, gaze tracing his face.

“You would be calling me an idiot, right now,” Fai sighed softly, missing the warmth and guiltily grateful to still be in his lap. “Maybe you already are.”

Kurogane looked up at him, eyes wide and searching. He didn’t understand, and Fai had given up trying.

“Do you think you could kill me?” Fai asked in a whisper, hands going tenderly to either side of Kurogane's face. “Would I weigh on you?” He asked, expression quiet and vulnerable, “Or would I be just another on your list?”

Kurogane swallowed, and the hands against Fai’s back slid lower.

Fai gasped, starting slightly and immediately Kurogane's hands froze, but they did not pull away as he stared up. He asked something. It could have been a million different things, but it was just as well, looking down at Kurogane and not knowing how to answer any of them.

“Kuro…”

And his eyes lit up, at last catching on something familiar.

Fai let his eyes close, trying to listen to his body over the constant screaming of his heart.

“Fai.”

Fai opened his eyes to look down at him in soft surprise, then they slowly narrowed with a bittersweet grin. “So you do know my name.”

Kurogane just stared up at him as seriously as ever.

And at last Fai smiled, unable to take any more. “Would you do it if I asked?” He settled back across Kurogane’s lap, letting his tone shift somewhere low and secret. “Kill me?” He spoke the words a breath away from Kurogane’s lips, before drifting away again. Fai glanced at him, just a moment of those wide, serious eyes. Just a moment of that held breath.

Kurogane wasn't going anywhere. Wasn't pushing him away. Kurogane’s hand came up to touch his cheek. Funny how something so lethal could be gentle when given the chance.

Fai’s fingertips started to trail across his shoulders, down rough fabric over familiar arms. “It's a heavy burden. I know.” He glanced up for a moment. “But you’re stronger than me, aren't you?”

“Fai?”

“Do you promise to kill me? Before I can kill you?”

Kurogane spoke another trail of sounds, solemn and serious.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he whispered, before at last leaning forward and bringing their lips together.


	2. Chapter 2

No one survived war alone. It’s something he’d learned the hard way and… and even if his only other ally was a secretive idiot with an ulterior motive, so be it.

Kurogane’s chest heaved softly. He didn’t panic under pressure. Years of training had taught him that. But yelling at their officer and hoping it was enough to keep them away from Fai was as close as he got. The stunned silence was just enough time to grab his wrist and disappear into the crowd.

Things didn’t grow any less dire as he got Fai in their quarters.

The mage was shaking softly, and it was with a sense of helplessness he set him down, no idea how to handle his apparent trauma. However, before he even knew what he was doing, his hands were working, preparing tea for Fai just as Souma had done for him years and years before. He pushed the tea into his hands and sat quietly by his side, long minutes marching by. Long minutes for the concern to gather like something heavy in his chest. Then, when it seemed like the entire night would pass like this, Fai choked softly.

Kurogane’s attention snapped to him, holding his breath, and he waited.

But nothing came.

“Mage…?”

Fai looked to him, eyes icy blue and bloodshot red, and asked something of him, incomprehensible without Mokona there to translate. He only had a moment to feel the familiar frustration before Fai turned away miserably and all Kurogane could feel was mounting concern. Then Fai shook and looked up at him, eyes huge and for once sincere as he whispered, begging for something.

Kurogane took a breath in, his mouth opening softly, but what could he possibly say? He frowned and pushed the mug a tiny bit closer to Fai. “Drink.”

Fai looked down at it, and at last burst into tears. Kurogane sighed, heart aching for him, but feeling so much safer. At least grief he knew what to do with. He put his hand against Fai’s neck in comfort and when he curled into his chest Kurogane took the tea back out of his hands and simply hugged him close. Almost immediately the crying stopped, but Kurogane didn’t pull away.

It was nice in a way. Somewhere deep down, maybe the mage did take his own mortality seriously. He sighed. This felt… good. Promising. “I’ll protect you,” he said softly into blonde hair. “You just have to let me.”

Fai backed away after that, looking a little uncomfortable, and though he’d been so conscious of every choice…

Well, it was usually Fai touching him too much, not the other way around.

Kurogane moved his hands to let him go but to his surprise he just returned, resting his head against Kurogane’s shoulder.

Something traitorous in his chest fluttered. He bit a lip as he forced himself to keep looking forward as his hands wrapped around Fai’s back.

“Kuro?” Fai whispered down by his shoulder, breath stirring against his neck.

He blinked slowly, forcing his heartbeat to stay steady. “Mmm?”

Fai shifted to look up at him and Kurogane gave in to doing the same. He whispered something. Strange syllables like a song out of a mouth that looked impossibly delicate. It was a question. Kurogane stared him in the eye, the only possible response when he could understand nothing.

Fai smiled, though it looked just as sad as his tears hand been, and Kurogane felt himself pulled in two directions as fingertips started to tease against the skin of his collar bone. Fai’s touch was so warm. Was it the tea? The adrenaline? So much warmer than normal.

Fai asked him something else he was helpless and try and answer, but when he wrapped his arms around Kurogane’s shoulders, there was no hesitation to wrap his arms tight around his waist.

  
“You’ll be okay,” he promised softly, perhaps more to himself than to Fai.

But Fai kept speaking, quieter and quieter against his shoulder, wrapping tight around him and holding on to the back of his shirt with a fearful desperation. “Hey…” And there was something…  
  
As much as Kurgoane had raged and resented over Fai never being honest, now that he had it…

It was almost like the panic was eating through Fai and straight into himself. He pushed him away gently, taking a steadying breath and looking him in the eye. “Don’t…” But he trailed off. Don’t what? Keep talking? After this long of waiting for him to speak plainly?

And Fai just smiled and spoke something, almost tender. Almost okay.

What Kurogane would not give to understand him right now.

And then things changed.

Fai shifted in his lap and held his head in both hands. Kurogane’s pulse, so disciplined until this moment, began to race as Fai’s tone shifted. With a swallow for bravery, Kurogane stared him in the face, watching carefully as his hands moved lower, settling over his hips.

As Fai gasped, he froze, for a moment terrified he’d made a terrible mistake.

“Is this not…?”

Fai watched him, and he could see the conflict in his expression. How many times after battle had he wanted someone trusted to-

“Kuro…”

His attention snapped back to him, and he watched as Fai closed his eyes, still not shifting one way or the other.

“Fai.”

The blonde smiled in his lap, opening his eyes and saying something sly, trying to fall back on their familiar teasing, but Kurogane didn’t let him.

Instead Kurogane reached up, touching gently along his jaw. “I won’t stop you,” Kurogane murmured. “But please, if you do this, mean it.” 

At last Fai cracked, melting against his lap in a way that was unmistakeable.

All Kurogane could do was hope that this too might be honest, as Fai whispered one last time, and kissed him soundly.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! So I quit my two jobs and moved to a new country. ^^ hopefully I'll have time to write again. Just a quick one today, trying to get back in their heads.


End file.
